Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Love, Fear, Ritual, and Chaos

There is a tree that is on the edge of my ritual circle. She is a beautiful old tree that somehow manages to survive. She is encased in the trumpet vines with broken branches lodged throughout her. Half of her trunk is gone, and she has an extremely large hollow. So in preparation for Litha, my neighbor and I spruced her up a bit. Removed the broken branches and the trumpet vines.

I was sad to see the beautiful trumpet vines go, but was told they were killing her. As each branch was pruned, I wanted to cry and hug her. I felt so bad, I could feel her pain. Knowing it had to be done did not make it any easier.

Finally the trimming and pruning was done and looking at her, I could see Her. Even through the pain, her strong spirit shines through. So I hugged Her and put in my crystal as thanks.

I visit her as often as I can and say a prayer of strength and thanks. I think she is happy now and I can see a difference in her spirit everytime I see her. She is getting stronger and greener each day `;~)

Our Litha ritual was beautiful and moving. I loved hosting the ritual at my place. I think there is indeed some special magic to hosting and I don't get to do it often. After the ritual, the social time was just what we all needed after all the hard work we have been doing this year. We ate, drank, and got merry `;~) Who could ask for more?

After everyone left, I went back out under the full moon and consecrated my staff and recharged my tools in the MoonSun FireWater from the ritual. I was gifted with a very special staff of WillowWood from sacred ground at my initiation. It took me 18 months before I was ready to take up the charge.

The one thing that I have truly learned from my initiation is that you must completely trust yourself. It had taken me 18 months to fully trust myself again after the chaos. I didn't trust my judgement or my ability to keep my loved ones safe.

As always, I have to learn my lessons the hard way. I had forgotten faith and hope. More importantly, I had forgotten love. The chaos had left me shattered like a dirty broken window pane. I was not unlike my tree `;~)  Though my scars did not show.

I can't deny that sometimes I still have fear in my heart. But that fear is tempered by experience and faith.  Fear only rules if I allow it and faith always finds a way to shine through. Fear is not unhealthy, it is a necessary part of life.

I allowed the chaos to happen because I did not trust my judgement and listen to my gut. Instead, I let logic overrule my gut. Shame on me!

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